Oh back at Day 2. Look at me! I got a little too confident in my alcohol lifestyle and now here I am staring over. Again. And it wasn't because of stress. Or a tragedy. Or a shit kicker of a day.
My husband and I were headed to dinner. We had James Taylor tickets that night and a rare evening away from the kiddos. We sat at the bar (we always sit at the bar - see The Day I Had Sushi without Sake.) I enjoyed a soda water and chatting with some folks around me who were headed to a wedding.
My husband said, "do you want a glass of wine or anything?" I said, "no, not really" but then I said well maybe I will have a glass. We were at kind of an expensive place and my husband looked at the prices and said, "we may as well just buy a bottle since I may have some too" - and that was it. It was over.
Before I can be too quick to judge my husband. He has seen me go back and forth forever about drinking. I tell him I am never drinking again and then the next week begging him to pick up a bottle of wine at the store. It really isn't his fault. He supports me when I'm not drinking and if I would have said, "no" and kept it at that, that is where it would have stayed. So we drank the bottle and then I got a phone call that one of my children was throwing up. We paid the bar tab and headed home to relieve my parents since one of the kiddos wasn't feeling well.
We missed the concert and that's O.K. What matters to me was being there for my child who was scared and sick.
We stayed up most of the night as both my kids were restless. The next day I was tired. And cranky. And disappointed at myself for having wine. And just feeling like I am so weak willed and can't do anything I set my mind to.
Everyone was feeling better so I thought we could check out the Greek Festival in our city. It was hot. And no one was feeling it. So we walked to the Children's Museum next store where we are members - and my kids had a meltdown over not winning a Tic Tac Toe game.
UGH. They cried the whole way home. In hindsight, we should have just stayed home but I thought it would do everyone good to get out. We ended up on the couch watching T.V. and falling asleep at 7:30. Today is a new day and I feel better BUT yesterday I totally Googled "Why I suck as a parent'. I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing. And when I try to do the right thin, it's all wrong.
I lose my patience. I make mistakes. I am not perfect and it pisses me off. My kids are not screen-free kids. They don't eat 100% organic, non-GMO food. They fight with each other. And scream and whine. And it's hard sometimes. Because I'm selfish. Because I don't have an endless amount of patience. Because I try to take on too much and work/life balance is one of the biggest fucking myths out there for moms.
But I'm trying. I'm trying to improve. I am trying to get out of a habit/way of life that I have embraced for half my life. So I guess I'm going to stumble sometimes. And I guess that "continuous improvement is better than delayed perfection." And I'm just going to have to go with that.